Eastern Promise(s?) (R)

The brit brought home this scary movie and I gave it a go even though Jon Cusack and I have sworn off the scary (and the puffy but that's a different post). It stars Viggo Mortenson with a convincing (most of the time) Russian accent and Naomi Watts (right when she was first pregnant in real life, I think; or maybe just a little bloated in some scenes).

It was okay, this movie. Gory, yes; a little one-noted, sure. But okay. Right up front I'll give it 3.8 strung-out hemorrhaging Russian fourteen-year-old pregnant prostitutes out of 5. Watts is a midwife in a London hospital. The aforementioned prostitute shows up to deliver her baby and die. Watts steals a diary from the corpse and sets out all Nancy Drew-like to solve the Mystery of the Strung-out Hemorrhaging Russian Fourteen-year-old Pregnant Prostitute (SOHRFYOPP), barging naively into a Russian crime family.

You can tell Viggo's a good dude, though. You can tell he's not really going to kill her uncle even though Uncle Stupid (I think that's how you spell it; it was a Russian name) spit in the scary Russian mobster dude's face. And even though Viggo cut off some frozen dudes fingers and killed two other non-frozen dudes with his bare hands and not a stitch of clothing (yes, folks; it was a full-frontal nude sauna fight scene).

Even though it didn't turn out well for the SOHRFYOPP, things did turn out surprisingly well for just about everyone else. Well, except for me. That night after I saw the movie I had the most violent, most disturbing, most memorable dream ever and I still can't get it out of my head. I think I'm going to have to eschew movies in which fingers are cut off, or fourteen-year-old prostitutes hemorrhage, or Jon Cusacks are puffy.

Speaking of which, did I ever review Alvin and The Chipmunks from Christmas Day??